I’d Sure Like to ____, but What if ____ Happens?

When worrying about what could happen prevents anything from happening.

If only we could wipe away the bad stuff we see so it doesn't affect our tomorrow.

A first responder’s #1 job is to be ready. We call this ‘operational readiness’ meaning that literally at a moment’s notice we are ready to mitigate anything that can go horribly wrong—a grisly car accident, a house fire, a heart attack, an explosion, Timmy falling into the well, or ___________ (fill in the blank.) If you aren’t a first responder and you’ve been through something traumatic, you know a bad thing can happen, but we know ALL the bad things and have our hands in them regularly. During a 24, 48, 72 hours or _____ hour shift at the firehouse, within every movement we make, we are ready. (Again, a fill-in-the-blank. The longest shift I ever worked was 120 hours and sadly there are many firefighters that will scoff at that.) When coming on shift, the very first thing we do after pulling into the station parking lot is carry our our turnout gear and place it next to the door of the fire engine we will be climbing into. We arrange our pants/boots/jacket/flash hood/axe belt in such a way that allows us to get dressed as fast as possible. On the wall by the door to the garage (AKA apparatus bay), a big red button button sits to turn off the gas that feeds the stove in the kitchen. If someone is cooking, all they have to do is hit the button on the way out. No need to take the time to turn the knobs on the stove off. We sleep in our clothes well most of us do god willing.) If you’re going to take a shower, you tell someone just in case you don’t hear the dispatch come through the speakers. We never let our fire engine’s fuel tanks go below 3/4 full. I could go on and on and on. It’s all about being ready because, at any time, any thing can happen. Our brains wire themselves to be ready because at any moment, a life can fall apart or explode or break down or ______.

So what happens when you do this job for years and years or even just a year? Do you go home and your brain shuts off that ‘work’ circuitry and turns on its ‘home’ circuitry, becoming blissfully unaware of how fantastically fast and sideways shit can go south? Hell no. It uses the only wiring that’s been laid down, constantly planning and scanning for something to happen. You ask any firefighter what’s the first thing they do when they arrive at their hotel room while on vacation and they will tell you they figure out the best route out. And I’m not talking about a route to the breakfast area or how to get to the pool. I’m talking about how to escape when the hallways are full of smoke and visibility is zero and all the other people who haven’t planned how to get out are running amok. A police officer will never sit with their back to the door. EVER. Hell, I was never a cop and I will push my way ahead to take the seat facing the front door. Every time I get on an airplane, I figure out how I’m going to get out in an emergency and if there are any kids or my loved ones on the plane, I figure them into my plan to get us out. Again this is a fill in the blank moment as this applies to movie theaters, stadiums, concert halls and _______. This ‘operational readiness’ becomes hardwired. I don’t say to myself, oh right I need to plan for an emergency, it just happens.

I’ve been retired for eight years and I still can’t wear flip-flops outside my house. My body runs pretty warm and my feet get hot. I sure would love to wear a pair of flip-flops when it’s warm out. But sadly, I can’t or rather, my brain won’t let me. What if something happens? What if, I was on my way to the grocery store and there was a bad car accident in front of me — am I going to be at my best in a pair of flip-flops? And what if a small grass fire breaks out, do I to want to run around in the burning grass and run up a hill in flip-flops? And what if ______ happens, how in the fuck am I going to be effective in a pair of flip-flops? It’s been hot as fuck in my part of the world lately. I would love to take my Golden Retriever Harriet to the coast to play in the water but what if my vehicle broke down on the way with it being 106 degrees out? I’d survive that sure, but would Harriet? And could you imagine how helpless I would be as I watch her begin to succumb to the heat and then try and carry her to shade while I wore a pair of flip flops? I constantly scan and then plan what I’m going to do if _______ happens and I sure as shit make sure I will be dressed for it.

I had lunch with a friend just the other day. She shared with me how she is working on letting go of worrying about all the things that “could” happen with her daughter who has considerably struggled at times. I said, “Funny you should mention that, cuz that’s kinda the subject matter of a Substack piece I am working on.” Her eyes lit up and she asked, “Well what do you do??!!” My reply sounded as if I had thought long and hard on what to do and had put it into practice, but I’ve been crazy stuck in it and, well, sorry friend who I had lunch with, I just made up my answer on the spot.

After I swallowed hard, realizing I had been writing a Substack post about something without any resolution, I said to my friend, “Well, I use the logical part of my brain to delineate (as I said this word I wondered if I was using it correctly but just went with it and I’m still not sure if I am using it correctly but whatever) between what is a reasonably possible bad outcome or something that has almost no chance of happening.” I continued, “The chances of something signifcantly bad happening on the way to the grocery store is slim. And even if something bad does happen, help is very close by. So in this case, I wear the flip-flops. And I can probably get away with sitting with my back to the door in a restaurant in Walnut Creek, but in Oakland at night? I will always sit facing the door.” As I finished saying that I thought to myself, that’s actually a pretty good idea Christy, but I also know there is more to the answer than that because I still am afraid to wear flip-flops.

I’ve been sitting here for several years wondering why I don’t get out and do more. I am just realizing it’s because I am constantly scared of what the fuck can go wrong. So I sit in the safety of having my comfortable, sturdy shoes very close by. And yes I know the absurdity of using flip flops to explain a powerful force that directs the traffic in my brain, but it’s so clear cut.

Non-first responders who have experienced trauma know exactly what I’m talking about. Once you step across that line of knowing something bad can happen, you can never go back. Since the brain sees danger as a matter of survival, it doesn’t just use thin medium grade copper wire, it uses the fastest optic fiber shit on the market. Everyone has stepped over a line at some point in their lives. I also have noticed that for first responders most of what we are afraid of is not about something happening to us, but rather something happening to others and we will not be able to help.

So how do we break free of living in fear? We can try what I mentioned to my friend as I believe that will help similar to Hero Wipes. That will take care of the fear that sits on the outside, but won’t get at the crap that has seeped through our pours and into our flesh. To get at the stuff way deep on the inside we have to utilize a fancy word, neuroplasticity. We can lay down new wiring in our brains. Instead of thinking “Something bad is going to happen,” we can decide to think “Something good is going to happen” or even “Nothing out of the ordinary is going to happen.” And we can add, if that bad thing does happen, we will deal with it and everything will be ok. We can scan and plan for something positive instead of negative. Instead of only “What if we break down on the way to the coast and Harriet dies in the heat,” I can think, “What if we make it to the coast and have an amazing day.” Regularly nothing at all or all kinds of good shit happens. I think this is what is meant by being mindful—paying attention to what our brains are thinking. If those thoughts are not serving you — make new thoughts even if you don’t believe them. If you tell yourself these new thoughts over and over and over — eventually you WILL lay down new wiring and those thoughts will become automatic.

And your feet will be cool and you will have an amazing day at the beach.