Pre-Surgery Checklist

...and just how does a Bidet work?

My old lady shower chair. I didn’t think anyone would want to see a photo of a toilet.

I am sitting here drinking my coffee, enjoying the last time for several weeks that I can spend a quiet morning on the couch, sipping coffee while Harriet sits on her own perch on the back of the couch, watching the birds and squirrels attend to their own morning routines. Tomorrow morning, my wife, my BFF, and I will brave commute traffic and head over the Bay Bridge (last night the wife and I realized since there are three of us, we will be a carpool!) and land at UCSF. (Lisa also found out that you are a patient, parking is only $5 for the whole day!) A super nice guy named Dr. Theologis will bore a hole in my side and hammer a piece of cadaver bone between my second and third lumbar vertebrae. Then I’ll be flipped over, and the kind and handsome Dr. Theologis will slice my back open and use a screwdriver to place a couple of rods that will keep my vertebrae from moving. I hear this is super painful.

The mainstay of a successful outcome is a BLT — No Bending, Lifting, or Twisting. Recovery also entails lots of lying in bed and taking heavy-duty painkillers every four hours. I was told people usually start to wean off taking these pain meds, meaning spacing out the pain meds, at the three to four-week mark. A nurse said it will be important for me to get up and take lots of walks. I got excited for a moment until she said that the “walks” are like up and down the hallway of my house, not in the beautiful hills of open space I live near. Needless to say, there is a lot to get done before, as MyChart calls it, my appointment with Dr. Theologis on May 6th.

Everything I do right now hurts. This includes wiping my own ass. And after surgery, I imagine this action is really going to hurt, plus there is the tomato rule of the BLT - no Twisting. So I thought about how I am going to handle this. Back when my niece was being potty trained, we made a deal: since I was wiping her butt, when I am very, very old, she will take care of me, which includes, if needed, wiping my butt. There was quite a bit of discussion, and thank goodness, she relentlessly agreed. I did think about invoking this contractual deal we made, but I don’t feel like this situation applies. A then a friend suggested a bidet. Recently, another friend, who is going through chemotherapy, told me that she bought one of those bidet toilet seats (“and I got it from Costco!”), and it has saved her ass - pun intended. I have always been skeptical of bidets, but since they are cheap and easy to install, I thought, what the hell, I’ll try one. If I hate it, I don’t have to use it.

Because of my propensity to go to a store for something specific and them not having it, I ordered mine from Amazon. My wife installed it since the bending and twisting required would have been super painful. I looked forward to the next morning, after my coffee of course, to try it out. Well, it’s kinda like bending over, spreading your butt cheeks, and having someone clean you with a garden hose with a powerful nozzle attachment. And since I got the simple version, the water was rather cold. I was clean, but my undercarriage was soaking wet. When reading the reviews (which I highly recommend), many people stated they loved it and they simply used a few squares of toilet paper to pat themselves dry. I felt like I needed a bath towel. Certainly more than a couple of squares were needed to dry myself. Post surgery, I will use it as it completely removes any need for twisting, but after that, I am not too sure.

I have other actions on my pre-surgical checklist which include:

1. Putting together a shower/bath chair, yes, just like the ones super old people use.

2. Making sure I have several pounds of coffee beans to last me a few months.

3. Getting my haircut

4. Getting my toenails done (Cutting my toenails right now is a painful chore, and after surgery, it’ll be near impossible for a while)

5. Making Rice Crispy Treats.

Honestly, I am scared shitless. So many people go through super tough things and don’t tell you they are scared - which helps people like me think that there is somethign wrong with me because I am scared. So if you are scared of something - say it out loud. It will help you be seene and valitdated — and it will help the rest of us.

And on that note, I think I am going to move “Making Rice Crispy Treats” from number 6. to number 1. on my to do list.