Validation Math

And the Quest to Figure Out if I am Enough

Lately, I’ve been struggling with feeling like I’m enough. I grew up never feeling like I was enough and then I put on a uniform that said I should be enough. Then I had to take off that uniform and I got to the point of the direct opposite of being enough where I almost ended my life — not only was I not enough in any way, shape, or form, but I felt like I had gone into the negative column — I decided I had become a burden. Friends and family and professionals poured love and hard work into me that held me up until I could stand on my own. Through some ridiculously hard work, I poured love into myself, and for the first time, I actually knew I was enough. I had stripped back the layers of myself like an onion, cleaning and healing each part of me. Soon it was time to step back into the world and immerse myself in all that pushes us and pulls us and loves us and wounds us.

I wanted to help show everyone who wore the uniform and found themselves sinking into not-enoughness how to climb back out. And how to not only stay alive but actually live. I started a podcast and wrote a book and started a Substack and an Instagram account and put myself and my story in front of people. Some days a bunch of people came and some days almost no one showed up. My brain started crunching the numbers.

I have 58,140 downloads for my podcast. That’s a big number and makes me feel good. Except that many small, grassroots podcasts have well over a million downloads. The great ones have billions of downloads. So my big number isn’t actually only small, it feels insignificant. So we’ll just use 5 million downloads as the average and my math shows my podcast has 1% of the downloads as successful podcasts.

I have 1,529 total followers on Instagram and get an average of 30 likes on my posts. That’s kinda successful, yes? That makes me enough on Instagram, right? Well, one of my favorite Instagram accounts is nicolberrygoldens. She has 276,000+ followers, that’s 274,471 more than me. Similar to the podcast math, this comes in around less than 1%. But, I made a very innocuous comment on one of her posts, “That’s probably the cutest thing I ever saw.” And that comment has received more likes than all the likes I have ever received on all the platforms combined. So can I include those likes in my “enough” equation? (BTW, Kerry from nicolberrygoldens does an incredible amount of work and an amazing job on her Instagram account. She deserves every single follower plus more. I HIGHLY recommend following her if you like dogs. Actually, even if you are not a fan of dogs, I still recommend it.)

Not only did I write a book but, I’ve sold around 1,400 of them. Writing a book and selling that many books should make me enough right? But around 600 of those books are still sitting in a warehouse unsold. And after the first year of a book being published, it almost becomes defunct. But it has a 5-star rating on Amazon! But only 52 reviews. Compared to another first responder PTSD book that has 613 reviews, the validation math is just plain sad.

How many of us think like this? I know I’m not the only one. I wouldn’t be surprised if those who have millions of downloads and thousands of followers and likes compare themselves to those who have billions of downloads and millions of followers and likes. The athlete who wins a bronze medal most likely says, “I am not enough until I win a gold.” Why do we draw this line and believe that once we reach it, then we will be enough? There’s that saying that life isn’t about the destination, but instead, it’s about the journey. If we do this validation math life will always be about the destination and never the journey. Back to the Olympic athlete — they devote every ounce of their lives to their sport. 10,500 athletes participated in the 2024 Olympics and only 306 received a gold medal. Does that mean that the other 10,194 athletes shouldn’t feel like they are enough? If they used validation math to calculate their enoughness their lives would have been a complete waste. We have to make it about the journey. I have to make it about the journey. I think that’s what mindfulness and all that other hippy-dippy talk is about.

A few weeks ago at around 2:34 am, Harriet wanted outside. The night was warm so I decided to go outside with her. I’ve always said I should lay down and look at the stars, but always opted to climb back in bed. But this night while Harriet walked around the yard, I laid on the concrete patio and gazed up at the moonless star-filled sky. Harriet laid next to me (and of course wanted to be petted the whole time) and in this simple moment, I remembered that I am so God damn enough. There was no destination or math or comparison. I just was.

We need math for so many things but validating that we are enough isn’t one of them. I promise you, YOU are enough exactly the way you are—right this very minute. And if you don’t believe it, keep telling this to yourself and you eventually will.

*A post note: Something fortuitous happened after writing this post. I thought I published this 9 hours ago. Throughout the day, I checked my email a few times. Not one person had liked or commented on Validation Math—not even my steadfast fans who are always there for me regarding my writing. I took some deep breaths and told myself to forget the numbers, forget the math, and just keep writing. And guess what? It worked.