Beautifully written, Christy. Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me that most of my traumatic calls appear in a quick flash. I can never recall too much detail; enough to just recall a victim and then my brain shuts it off. Is this normal? Or is this like a finger in the dyke, and soon the dam will blow? I never sleep, and I almost never dream. I wish I would because I feel like that’s the brain’s way of processing it all. Thanks for sharing.
Nothing wrong with you Kendra - nothing at all. It's that brain of ours saying help! I think we just have to keep moving forward and letting it all bubble out. That's why we need to stick together and not even think of doing this alone.
Oh, you better believe I kept reading. I'm pretty sure anyone who has experienced trauma—either as a first responder or, honestly, just as a person in the world—kept reading. I love you for saying hard and necessary things, and it may seem like you're saying the same thing over and over again, but I am going to be pretentious and insufferable and tell you my favorite ever quote, by Sigmund Freud of all people. He wrote, "Repetition is a form of mastery." In other words, every time you relieve something traumatic, in your dreams, in your writing, in telling the same story over and over again, you get to shape it in a way that you could not when the terrible thing happened, and in so doing give it a shape you can control and live with (eventually).
Also, I would read your writing ALL DAY. I mean it. Every single thing I've read from you is a different, but also the same in the best possible way—in how it makes me feel, in its generosity and compassion, in its ability to give words to what happens when the "feel" switch is on, nightmares and all. ❤️
I love that quote. And I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your support and the time you take to read and comment on all my stuff. You are a reason I keep writing!
I am beyond proud of you for putting voice/typing to your truth. I appreciate the intensity of the healing process as your brain is moving to different places and spaces. Ty for sharing.
Not a first responder, but I sure kept reading! It resonates in different ways... but it's your writing that I love so much! Although this content is focused on trauma and it maybe it's helping you process - you're also just such a great writer. You could write about anything and I'd want to read every single word. XO
Another great post. Really vivid. Some cultures (and clinicians) suggest trying to change the outcomes of your dreams (save woman, husband gets arrested) or use the dream as an opportunity to grieve the loss and the tragedy and say ( sorry) to the victim. NOT becauseyou or you colleagues failed but because you are human and cannot prevent tragedy. Keep writing, you are reaching so many.
Christy, I’m about as far from a first responder as one can be…early tech, bookkeeper, white-collar. But I was still reading. I read to the end because what I find in your words is grace. Permission to remember and feel. If you can do it, maybe so can I. 💕
Christy, thank you for sharing your story and your dreams. Reading about them helps me to appreciate what our first responders go through and live with every day.
Medically retiring in the community I served, I was often activated going past scenes of critical incidents. It seems like constant local exposure and the tincture of time has lessened those impacts. Occasionally one I hadn't even remembered rears it's ugly head...now where did that come from?
Thanks for this. I am embarrassed to say that prior to reading your work, I honestly never thought about the emotional legacy of being a first responder; I was always thinking about the physical aspects of the job. I'm grateful to everyone who can help me understand my fellow human beings a little better, and you most certainly do that with your honesty and vulnerability. Thank you. (Also: hooray for dogs! The best EVER.)
Yes hooray for dogs!!!! Don't be embarrased! How would you know? Most people have no idea what we do and how often we do it. Thank you so much for your comment and reading this!
Retirement is amazing. And then in the quiet moments, sometimes it isn’t. When the brain has nothing else to distract it: calls, assignments, noises, people, friends, foes, smells, it all comes floating back. I miss being good at my job. Being an essential piece. I miss easy overtime to pay for trips, projects, whatever extra $ is nice for. But I really don’t miss my alarm waking me up at 4am. I don’t miss interrupted meals. Missed family events. Sigh… the work dreams are real. You are not alone.
Amazing. Profound. You are so inspiring, Christy - the fact that you have these dreams and are present enough to explore/analyze them when you are awake, and then write about them, all with your dry humor, is such a gift. I am in awe and so thankful that I get to read about your insights. Thank you, Christy!
I am not a first responder either but I kept reading too! I am so glad you have Lisa and Harriet. You writing is amazing...we are right there with you. Sending you lots of love and hugs!
Troubled to read that while you’ve been retired, your difficult calls are still in your subconscious.
Your vivid description of dispatch sending you to three wrong addresses until the fourth address was correct made me think of current events were delivery People (or teenagers getting friends) arrive at the wrong address and the owner responds with violence. Would be curious to know if calls in Vallejo or other communities where you’ve worked also involved you and your colleagues worrying about personal safety.
Relieved to know that your dog and your wife are there with you when you wake up from these difficult remembrances.
We always worry about our safety. Even in Moraga and Orinda we worry about our safety. That's a big part of the PTSD and the hypervigilance that never seems to go away.
Is there any more important message to put out there than "you are not alone"?
Neither are you. xo
Wow thank you for this. Cuz I agree with you 100%.
Beautifully written, Christy. Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me that most of my traumatic calls appear in a quick flash. I can never recall too much detail; enough to just recall a victim and then my brain shuts it off. Is this normal? Or is this like a finger in the dyke, and soon the dam will blow? I never sleep, and I almost never dream. I wish I would because I feel like that’s the brain’s way of processing it all. Thanks for sharing.
Nothing wrong with you Kendra - nothing at all. It's that brain of ours saying help! I think we just have to keep moving forward and letting it all bubble out. That's why we need to stick together and not even think of doing this alone.
Oh, you better believe I kept reading. I'm pretty sure anyone who has experienced trauma—either as a first responder or, honestly, just as a person in the world—kept reading. I love you for saying hard and necessary things, and it may seem like you're saying the same thing over and over again, but I am going to be pretentious and insufferable and tell you my favorite ever quote, by Sigmund Freud of all people. He wrote, "Repetition is a form of mastery." In other words, every time you relieve something traumatic, in your dreams, in your writing, in telling the same story over and over again, you get to shape it in a way that you could not when the terrible thing happened, and in so doing give it a shape you can control and live with (eventually).
Also, I would read your writing ALL DAY. I mean it. Every single thing I've read from you is a different, but also the same in the best possible way—in how it makes me feel, in its generosity and compassion, in its ability to give words to what happens when the "feel" switch is on, nightmares and all. ❤️
I love that quote. And I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your support and the time you take to read and comment on all my stuff. You are a reason I keep writing!
I am beyond proud of you for putting voice/typing to your truth. I appreciate the intensity of the healing process as your brain is moving to different places and spaces. Ty for sharing.
Thank you Shaunna! Thank you for walking alongside me while I process all this muck. It's so much safer for me with you there.
Not a first responder, but I sure kept reading! It resonates in different ways... but it's your writing that I love so much! Although this content is focused on trauma and it maybe it's helping you process - you're also just such a great writer. You could write about anything and I'd want to read every single word. XO
Daisy this means the world to me. Thank you.
Wow Christy! Thank you for sharing where you are right now. You, your book, and now your Substack is going to help so many people. Love you!
Thank you Lisa Cheek! I love you too!!!
Another great post. Really vivid. Some cultures (and clinicians) suggest trying to change the outcomes of your dreams (save woman, husband gets arrested) or use the dream as an opportunity to grieve the loss and the tragedy and say ( sorry) to the victim. NOT becauseyou or you colleagues failed but because you are human and cannot prevent tragedy. Keep writing, you are reaching so many.
I have learned that from my therapist! Such good advice, and it works. In these stories,s I am awake, but I think that technique could work here too!
Did she show you some thought stopping techniques? If not, you can look them up.
Christy, I’m about as far from a first responder as one can be…early tech, bookkeeper, white-collar. But I was still reading. I read to the end because what I find in your words is grace. Permission to remember and feel. If you can do it, maybe so can I. 💕
You warm my heart. Thank you.
Christy, thank you for sharing your story and your dreams. Reading about them helps me to appreciate what our first responders go through and live with every day.
Thank you Donna!
Medically retiring in the community I served, I was often activated going past scenes of critical incidents. It seems like constant local exposure and the tincture of time has lessened those impacts. Occasionally one I hadn't even remembered rears it's ugly head...now where did that come from?
100%!
Thanks for this. I am embarrassed to say that prior to reading your work, I honestly never thought about the emotional legacy of being a first responder; I was always thinking about the physical aspects of the job. I'm grateful to everyone who can help me understand my fellow human beings a little better, and you most certainly do that with your honesty and vulnerability. Thank you. (Also: hooray for dogs! The best EVER.)
Yes hooray for dogs!!!! Don't be embarrased! How would you know? Most people have no idea what we do and how often we do it. Thank you so much for your comment and reading this!
Retirement is amazing. And then in the quiet moments, sometimes it isn’t. When the brain has nothing else to distract it: calls, assignments, noises, people, friends, foes, smells, it all comes floating back. I miss being good at my job. Being an essential piece. I miss easy overtime to pay for trips, projects, whatever extra $ is nice for. But I really don’t miss my alarm waking me up at 4am. I don’t miss interrupted meals. Missed family events. Sigh… the work dreams are real. You are not alone.
Amazing. Profound. You are so inspiring, Christy - the fact that you have these dreams and are present enough to explore/analyze them when you are awake, and then write about them, all with your dry humor, is such a gift. I am in awe and so thankful that I get to read about your insights. Thank you, Christy!
Thank you, Carol, for your never-wavering support!!!!
I am not a first responder either but I kept reading too! I am so glad you have Lisa and Harriet. You writing is amazing...we are right there with you. Sending you lots of love and hugs!
You know how much I love you!
You are amazing Christy💛
Thank you Susan, this means so much.
Troubled to read that while you’ve been retired, your difficult calls are still in your subconscious.
Your vivid description of dispatch sending you to three wrong addresses until the fourth address was correct made me think of current events were delivery People (or teenagers getting friends) arrive at the wrong address and the owner responds with violence. Would be curious to know if calls in Vallejo or other communities where you’ve worked also involved you and your colleagues worrying about personal safety.
Relieved to know that your dog and your wife are there with you when you wake up from these difficult remembrances.
We always worry about our safety. Even in Moraga and Orinda we worry about our safety. That's a big part of the PTSD and the hypervigilance that never seems to go away.